October 13th, 2011»
I cannot stand to hear any more about how your ex sex buddy lost weight or how the girl in front of us in the hallway needs to “stop losing weight left and right!” Because maybe you’re right: “You known you’re too skinny when your leggings are baggy!” But I will be thinner.
October 11th, 2011»
Relationships are amazing in the honey moon state. Unless of course he talks about how his ex sex buddy stopped by and how much weight she lost and so on.
October 11th, 2011»
I feel like this is going to be an awful night.
My sister ratted me out for leaving the house two nights ago- totally against the sister code of conduct and now my mom is most likely going to take my car away.
I went to Target with a friend to win a bet and we ended up getting a really big slushy which, despite her having drank most of it, I promptly threw up right after dropping her off. And then, for some odd fuck reason, I got McDonalds which I also promptly threw up in the bushes. Lovin’ it. Yup.
Now I have this damn English paper to write in one night. Procrastination: FTW.
October 11th, 2011»
Everything is fucking spinning.
October 2nd, 2011»
It was that raw, animalistic need for flesh that drove me to this.
October 1st, 2011»
Why, why, why did I do that?!
Obviously I can’t do anything right besides cut and bleed and want to wilt away slowly. And I can’t even do that. These things are awful. I shouldn’t have.
September 30th, 2011»
I meant to try to protect you but did just the opposite. I wanted you to know what you were getting into so that you could back out early but the second I started talking I realized I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t finish the sentence. I had to run away.
September 29th, 2011»
I am more a person of dark, slightly crowded rooms than anything else.
September 29th, 2011»
First actual party was both awesome and not.
Of course we were one of the first to get there (I went with a friend) and the last to get alcohol. We smoked Cheyennes outside while the party heated up and I ended finding one of my friends who is definitely not some one who attends these kinds of parties. Given he was already tipsy with his lovely lady friend and happily obliged pouring some whiskey in my cup (after spilling some all over my arms and tights) and the drinking for me commenced.
Being slightly buzzed off Cheyennes is nice but I think you have to smoke a whole one by yourself instead of splitting it or doing smoke-backs to get the best effect.
But an hour into it the host girl just turned off the music and said “you all need to leave.” Well after half a cup of whiskey and feeling a mixture of buzzed/tired/refluxed/electric I definitely couldn’t go home so I got in the car with this kid who’s been recently hitting on me and one of his friends who was high on some type of medicine, weed and a combination of all alcohols. And we just drove and chilled and it was actually nice.
Though I did wish I spent the night with a certain bronze god instead ; )
September 22nd, 2011»
I can’t move past you. It’s not your fault. It’s just that I love you.
September 20th, 2011»
No, I did not want a fairytale love. I didn’t even want love.
September 21st, 2011»
I have a deep appreciation for the feeling of perpetual loss.
September 17th, 2011»
When I’m around others it’s okay, for a short while. Then when I’m alone, it hits. A giant black wave of sadness. And it’s overwhelming, and it drowns me. I feel myself sinking, sinking, sinking… Until I hit bone.
September 16th, 2011»
My pillow smells like you, again. Oh, it’s been so long…
September 14th, 2011»
I’ve missed him so much.
The warmth of his skin, his shaggy hair and groggy voice in the early morning, the slightest bit of eye contact; everything.
Today when we were talking about senior superlatives ‘Best Dressed at Prom’ came up and a few of us at our table were joking around when he turned with my favorite smile and said, “And you, too. You looked really nice at prom.” I loved those precious few seconds of eye contact.
He seems so willing to reach back for us sometimes, and other times he just moves away from me, two south pole magnets dancing.
September 14th, 2011»
Everything is hot and spinning. And I can’t make this head ache go away.
September 13th, 2011»
I felt like I was flying. The light stayed in the same place, but it was the shadows that flew past so quickly.
September 3rd, 2011»
It’s not fair to me. But, unfortunately, you being happy is still what I want most and I don’t think it’s fair. But, it’s not your fault. It’s mine. Except I can’t help it and it just makes me want to sleep and dream and stay in that state forever.
September 2nd, 2011»
I don’t even want to get out of bed. It’s just another one of those days when I feel awful and abandoned and like there’s no reason to bother. I can’t explain it. I don’t want to move. I want to sleep and dream and not wake up. It’s not even fair. I don’t want this.
September 1st, 2011»
I’m going to pretend not to notice when you’re screaming. Because it brought it upon yourself.
August 21st, 2011»
For some reason today at work… All I could think about was dirving away, stopping at the nearest mobile, buying forty dollars worth of candy and chips, driving to the park to eat, eat, eat until I could throw it all back up in the bushes. Over and over.
Awful, awful.
August 21, 2011»
I don’t believe you anymore.
July 29th, 2011»
I guess I’ll always play the bad guy.
July 13th, 2011»
I used to be what I could consider beautiful, I used to be like him: shoulder blades, back bones and elbows. All angles and cling-film skin. Poking me in the neck would have been deadly. In sixth grade that finger would have instantly bruised my pale, paper skin. Right through the jugular that pumped only vile and water and celery and grapes. Right to the the bones. I was skeletal . I was
done
July 12th, 2011»
I’m not trying to kill myself through the process I’m taking. I’m sorry that it seems scary but it’s habitual and almost welcomed at this point. But I don’t want to die, that’s not it at all. Though I must admit to occasionally harboring those thoughts… I never kept them for long. I enjoy everything I wake up to. I just believe that every body is beautiful one way or another… so I can be too, right? Well my beauty is hiding in all the damnest of places. Like deep beneath my collarbones and ribs and nestled between the bones on my back. I’m just trying to show that.
May 21st, 2011»
I sparsely crave nicotine but it happens in such a way that drives me crazy.
March 13th, 2011»
You’re killing yourself. That’s all I see these days. I see you slowly dying but no body else notices. I don’t want to be responsible for this knowledge any more… I don’t want to be the only one that sees these things.
March 1st, 2011»
I’m tired. Of a lot of things. Of not sleeping. Not always feeling okay. Not remembering how to smile… But I’m tired of you thinking I don’t love you or I love you because I’m supposed to. It’s so much more than that. I worry about you so so much and you know this. But you tell me to stop worrying about you or stop bringing it up in such a forceful way that I feel nothing less than compelled to back off for days until I think that there’s a hope it all settled.
February 27th, 2011»
I think you’re full of shit. I want you to go away and I think you bullshitted your way into coming back before you should have. I honestly despise you and, I’m sorry, but it’s true.
February 18th, 2011»
I had a pretty decent panic attack during seventh-eighth period today. We were doing out physics project where we have to make boats out of cardboard and duct-tape and today we were racing them. The whole school was either watching from the swim room’s balcony or a close-circuit TV in the commons. And I was in a cut-out shirt and black short shorts. I know it’s okay, everybody was just wearing bathing suits like no big. But I felt so exposed, like every one was watching, but that’s so stupid to assume so, isn’t it?
I hate this some times. And then some times I don’t even care what happens.
February 15th, 2011»
I’m as happy as can be. Which is only half happy, because there’s a monster resting on half my brain. But that’s completely happy for me because I no longer use that tainted half.
’
February 13th, 2011»
I’m actually scared because he’s making me feel so comfortable about my body. He’s making me soft. I don’t want to be soft. I want to be hard, angular and razor sharp.
February 11th, 2011»
I have barely anything to say. I feel like I am striving to be a shell of the person I actually am. But I’m hungry for nothing else than to scare some body, just a little bit. I wonder how far I can push everything. All the time I just wonder who would notice first, if any body.
RIP Alexander McQueen.
GOD SAVE MCQUEEN.
Except… No body can touch McQueen.
February 7th, 2011»
For one, like me, who adores writing every day… I am very bad at keeping my thoughts out here. Though I doubt any one makes a move to check this daily. Highly doubt. Today I am worried about some one. And, all the same, I have reconnected with some one who I feel that I really lost within the last couple months.
I’m trying to convince my mom to let me get a gym membership, only $11 at the YMCA for each month. Amazing deal, yes? Well the only thing she said was that I wouldn’t have ride until late each night and then I would be too worked up to go to bed. Well today my friend, Mark, proposed that if I get one he would renew his and we could go every day together. I’ve really grown close to him within the next few days… and though we never mention anything by name I believe he has a faint idea of my personal life. I’m making proposition #2 to my mom tonight. I’m so hopeful. I’m so sick.
February 1st, 2011 »
Hello, February, you’re one of my favorite months. Not because of Valentines day or any of that nonsense but because it seems to the be the month where I start to appreciate the winter. I know in the next month and a half or such the snow activities will slowly cease and the grass and buds will begin to show, accompanied by longer days.
I’m excited to spend tomorrow with my boyfriend; building snowmen and baking cookies. Cuddling with occasional kisses, watching videos in front of the fireplace. Today I meant to spent the lunch period in the art room, working on a ceramics project and I invited him along for after he was done with his lunch, knowing he would be completely respectful to others in there. And… maybe it’s normal, but he seemed excited to watch me draw.
We left school early so I never did get to spend lunch in the art room but I can’t quite understand it. Maybe it’s the same way I get about his soccer? I dislike soccer on it’s own. But get so excited for his games and watching it on TV with him because it’s something he really loves. Maybe, maybe.
January 28th, 2011 »
I wonder when I’ll ever grow into my body, my appearance. Not that any of it is out of proportion (besides my bum being a little larger than needed), it’s just that I feel like I have yet to mentally accept it. Well, I know I haven’t. It’s very obvious. I want to accept it, just the way it is. But I also want to change it, mold it to my own. And I think I want the latter more.
Any way, with my extremely low vitamin D I’ve been ordered by doctors alike to pick up the habit of at least one bowl of ice cream a day. I can’t wait for summer where I can run around, bare foot. Through the streets, forests, climbing trees… Anything. I miss my twin and feel as though I don’t see her half as often as I actually do.
